flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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