My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
