Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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