you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
vagina is talking i cant
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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