Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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