So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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