he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
