Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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