What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
