Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
