I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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