Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
zippers are such a cool invention
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
