I haven't been this sober since birth.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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