why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
P.S. I can't hear my feet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
