I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...