I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
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He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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She has the best kind of daddy issues
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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