My hand turned me down
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
