you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
