we have officially lost it.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
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you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
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All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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