The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
