dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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