no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
