I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
