Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
