in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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