Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think my moral compass just broke
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
