We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
