I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
