i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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