Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
