I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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