it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
