So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
