he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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