Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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