we have officially lost it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
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Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I touched a dick in church today
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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