I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
