I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
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