i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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