i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
