Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
