you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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