I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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