3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
