Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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