Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
