Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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