I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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