just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Drunk is not a location!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
