I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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