She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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