just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
