and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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