well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
