I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
