New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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