You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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