Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I did not marry a roomba.
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