mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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