Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
