I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
