Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did