I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
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Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny