We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
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Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult